Introduction

Marital relationships can face significant strain when partners hold divergent expectations about their roles in the family. Differences often stem from cultural paradigms or upbringing – for example, one spouse may expect traditional gender roles while the other desires a more egalitarian partnership. Such mismatched expectations are not uncommon and can lead to frustration, conflict, and even mental distress. In fact, one study found that “unrealistic expectations” were a major reason cited by 30% of divorcing women in a Texas survey. Clearly, couples benefit from openly discussing and aligning their expectations of each other. This article explores a case study (with details changed for confidentiality) of a young couple struggling with this very issue. We will examine the dynamics at play through psychological research and also consider guidance from an Islamic perspective on marital roles.

Case Study: Conflicting Marital Expectations

Case: Nadia is a 30-year-old professional engineer who has been married for two years to Omar, a 40-year-old engineer and PhD student. Lately, Nadia has been feeling intense anxiety about her marriage and has even contemplated divorce. She reports that “something is not right” in their relationship. The crux of the issue is a clash in cultural and personal expectations: Omar wants to be a “typical Eastern” husband who enjoys the traditional privileges that come with that role, yet he also expects some freedoms associated with a more Western outlook. For instance, Omar believes that household chores and catering to the husband’s needs are the wife’s domain – he often criticizes Nadia if meals aren’t prepared or the home isn’t in order. However, when it comes to tasks traditionally expected of a husband (such as handling car troubles or heavy errands), Omar shows reluctance. When Nadia’s car broke down recently, he insisted she handle the towing and repairs herself, saying she is “independent enough” to manage it.

Nadia was taken aback by this behavior. She was raised in a family where her father was very protective and took care of such problems; consequently, she assumed her husband would naturally take on the “provider and protector” role her father had modeled. In Nadia’s view, if she is meeting the expectations of a traditional wife, it is only fair that Omar meet her expectations of a traditional husband. This imbalance – effectively a double standard – has led to growing resentment. Omar, on the other hand, does not fully see the issue; he feels that he is a modern husband in allowing Nadia autonomy, and yet also believes he is entitled to a deferential wife “like back home.”

Over time, their interactions have deteriorated into frequent arguments and feelings of distance. Nadia’s anxiety has worsened under the stress, and she began doubting whether the marriage can last. Ultimately, after several frank discussions (and Nadia threatening separation), Omar agreed to accompany her to couples therapy. They hope that, with professional guidance, they can resolve these conflicting expectations and find a healthier way forward in their marriage.

(Note: Names and identifying details have been changed to protect client confidentiality.)

The Cultural Paradigm Clash in Gender Roles

Nadia and Omar’s story highlights a common paradigm clash in family dynamics today: the tension between traditional vs. modern marital role expectations. Omar’s notion of being a “typical Eastern” husband versus Nadia’s more “Western” expectations illustrates how cultural conditioning can shape spouses’ assumptions. Research supports that husbands and wives often carry distinct expectations rooted in gender-role norms of their culture. For example, Ali et al. (2022) found that husbands were generally expected to be the “provider and protector,” whereas wives were expected to be the “caretaker and household manager.” These culturally-shaped roles were deeply ingrained, and unmet expectations often resulted in conflict.

Impact on Marital Satisfaction and Mental Health

It is no surprise that Nadia has been feeling anxious and unhappy in the marriage – chronic marital discord often takes a serious toll on mental well-being. Her experience of anxiety in the relationship is validated by clinical findings on marital distress. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), marital distress has powerful effects on the partners, often leading to sadness, worry, tension, anxiety, and depression. The early years of marriage, such as Nadia and Omar’s two-year mark, are particularly high-risk for marital adjustment problems.

Islamic Perspective on Marital Roles and Rights

From an Islamic standpoint, Omar’s notion of being a “typical Eastern man” likely derives more from cultural tradition than from core Islamic teachings. Islam emphasizes balance, compassion, and mutual rights between spouses. The Qur’an (30:21) describes marriage as a bond of tranquility, love, and mercy. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) actively participated in domestic chores, as reported by Aisha: “He used to keep himself busy serving his family… He mended sandals and patched garments and sewed.” He also taught: “The best among you are those who are best to their wives” (Ibn Majah, Hadith No. 1977).

Toward Resolution: Bridging the Expectation Gap

The fact that Nadia and Omar have agreed to seek therapy together is encouraging. Couples counseling can help them unpack assumptions and establish new agreements. Steps include: 1) open communication and empathy, 2) mutual negotiation of roles, and 3) seeking guidance through therapy and Islamic teachings to reset expectations.

Conclusion

This case illustrates the psychological and spiritual struggles that arise when spouses enter marriage with conflicting expectations rooted in cultural paradigms. Both psychology and Islam converge on the principle that justice, compassion, and cooperation are the bedrock of a successful marriage. With open communication, therapy, and sincere effort, couples like Nadia and Omar can realign their expectations, alleviate tensions, and rekindle mutual respect and affection.

References

Ahmad, A. (2024, September 25). What roles should husbands and wives play in household chores? IslamiCity.
Ali, P. A., McGarry, J., & Maqsood, A. (2022). Spousal role expectations and marital conflict: Perspectives of men and women. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(9-10), NP7082–NP7108. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520966667
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). (2016). Marital Distress. Retrieved from AAMFT Consumer Updates.
Gunther, R. (2021, March 15). Do mismatched relationships work? Psychology Today.
Harris, S. M., Glenn, N. D., Rappleyea, D. L., Diaz-Loving, R., Hawkins, A. J., Daire, A. P., Osborne, C., & Huston, T. L. (2008). Twogether in Texas: Baseline report on marriage in the Lone Star State. Austin, TX: Texas Health and Human Services Commission.
Pergas. (2022, June 3). Revisiting cultural expectations and roles of wife. Pergas Institute.