Imam Ayman Taher
Registered Psychotherapist, Al-Iman Family Services
www.aifs.ca
November, 2024

Islam provides comprehensive guidance on various aspects of human life, including personal development and relationships. This article explores key Islamic teachings on human development, the significance of the Wali in marriage, the importance of character over appearance, the mechanism of selecting a spouse in Islamic tradition, and how marriage symbolizes the union of families. Each concept is supported by Quranic verses, Hadiths, and Islamic wisdom, reflecting the timeless principles of Islam.

Stages of Human Development

The Qur’an profoundly emphasizes the stages of human creation and development. In Surah Nuh (71:14), Allah says:

“While He has created you in stages.” (Qur’an 71:14)

This verse highlights the intricate process of human growth, from conception to birth and beyond. The stages also symbolize intellectual and spiritual evolution, urging believers to strive for continuous personal development. This aligns with Islam’s holistic view of life, where physical, mental, and spiritual growth are interconnected. A mindful approach to growth at every stage strengthens individuals’ readiness for responsibilities like marriage.

Prioritizing Values in Spouse Selection

Islam provides clear guidelines for prioritizing certain values when selecting a spouse. The Prophet ﷺ said:

“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one who is religious, and you will prosper.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 5090)

Similarly, the Prophet ﷺ advised concerning men as potential spouses:

“If someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied comes to you [seeking marriage], then marry your daughter to him. If you do not do so, there will be mischief and corruption on Earth.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, 1084)

These Hadiths emphasize that while physical appearance, wealth, and lineage are part of the equation, the central criterion should always be religion and moral character. A strong foundation of shared faith and values ensures a stable and fulfilling marriage, promoting harmony and mutual growth.

The Mechanism of Selection in Islamic Tradition

The process of selecting a spouse in Islamic tradition is rooted in thoughtfulness and structured investigation. The family of the bride is encouraged to verify the groom’s character through consultations with those who know him well—neighbors, co-workers, and travel or business partners.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, highlighted this principle by saying:

“A person is truly known if he has traveled with him, done business with him, or lived as his neighbor.” (Narrated in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, 1127)

This method ensures that the prospective groom’s values, character, and behavior in various situations are thoroughly examined. Such a comprehensive approach prevents impulsive decisions, helping families determine whether the individual aligns with Islamic principles.

Arranged Marriage vs. Dating Marriage

Research supports the idea that arranged marriages often demonstrate greater long-term stability compared to marriages initiated through dating. A study conducted by Dr. Robert Epstein, published in the Journal of Comparative Family Studies (2013), revealed that satisfaction levels in arranged marriages increase over time, while those in dating marriages tend to decline. Arranged marriages also benefit from the involvement of families, which aligns with the Islamic emphasis on collective wisdom in marital decisions.

By prioritizing compatibility of values and involving the family, arranged marriages provide a supportive framework, reducing conflict and enhancing the longevity of the union.

Aligning Islamic Tradition with Psychology

From a psychological perspective, the process of selecting a spouse mirrors the three levels of personality development:

1. Physical Appearance: This is the outermost layer, attracting initial attention but often transient and superficial.
2. Knowledge and Skills: The deeper layer reflects a person’s intellectual capacity and abilities.
3. Applied Knowledge (Character): This innermost level represents how an individual applies their values and knowledge in daily life.

Islamic principles emphasize uncovering and prioritizing the third level—character and integrity. By combining the spiritual and psychological dimensions, Islam ensures that marriage is built on enduring qualities, not fleeting attractions.

The Role of the Wali in Marriage

In Islamic tradition, the Wali (guardian) plays a vital role in ensuring the marriage aligns with Shariah principles and safeguards the rights of the bride. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasized this in a Hadith:

“There is no marriage except with a guardian.” (Sahih Muslim, 1881)

The Wali acts as a protector and advisor, ensuring the marriage is consensual and beneficial. This is particularly significant today, where individualism can overshadow the wisdom of family involvement. The Wali’s role ensures a balance between the rights of the bride and the sanctity of the family structure.

The Union of Families Through Marriage

Marriage in Islam is not merely a contract between two individuals but a profound connection that unites two families. The Qur’an beautifully illustrates this in Surah Al-Furqan (25:54):

“And it is He who has created from water a human being and made him [a relative by] lineage and marriage. And your Lord is competent [concerning creation].” (Qur’an 25:54)

This verse underscores the social significance of marriage. Just as rivers merge to form a new body of water, two families come together through marriage, creating a harmonious and supportive environment. Involving families in this process strengthens societal bonds and ensures stability for the newlyweds.

Conclusion

Islam’s teachings on human development and relationships emphasize wisdom, justice, and harmony. The stages of human development remind us of Allah’s intricate design, while the role of the Wali underscores the importance of family involvement. Prioritizing values in spouse selection, understanding the mechanism of investigation, and aligning these principles with psychological insights reflect Islam’s holistic and practical approach to building strong, balanced, and spiritually fulfilling marriages.

By adhering to these principles, individuals and families can nurture relationships that are not only harmonious but also deeply rooted in faith and shared values, contributing to a stronger and more cohesive society.

References

1. The Quran, Surah Nuh (71:14).
2. Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1881 on the Wali in marriage.
3. Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5090 on the four reasons for marrying a woman.
4. Sunan al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1084 on selecting a man based on religion and character.
5. Umar ibn Al-Khattab’s advice, narrated in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, Hadith 1127.
6. The Quran, Surah Al-Furqan (25:54).
7. Epstein, R. (2013). “How Love Emerges in Arranged Marriages: Two Cross-Cultural Studies.” Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 44(4), 455-479.